Supporting a Child’s Confidence and Emotional Wellbeing Through Family Breakdown: One Nottinghamshire Single Mum’s Story
Emma could see how distressed her son was every time he came home from spending time with his other parent.
His mood would be so different to usual and his emotions ranged from shutting down, crying or getting angry and taking his anger out on her – this would last for days until he settled back into the home. Emma was doing all the right things, but she was running out of strength and was questioning her every move. She realised she couldn’t control what happened at the other parents home, but this made her feel even more helpless.
About Tom and Emma
Tom* was nearly six years old and living in Fernwood, Newark, when Emma reached out to me. He was having to cope with such a lot at such a young age. His parents had split up and he was going back and forth between the two households, on top of that his Dad had entered into a new relationship which was confusing for Tom as he tried desperately to adjust to the different approaches to parenting and animosity. His distress following his visits were very apparent and he didn’t have the language to express his feelings.
Emma had reached out to me a couple of times to get some advice. She was struggling with an acrimonious separation where the other parent was using Tom to get at her and the guilt, exhaustion and suffering of seeing her son being used like this became too painful to bare.
Emma came to me feeling extremely emotional and defeated. She is a kind, giving mum who was doing everything right – but having to then let go of her child to a parent who didn’t appear to have his best interests at heart. She knew that Tom was trying to keep her happy too and had reached the point of needing some intervention, recognising that she was too close to the situation and that Tom needed someone impartial to communicate with. She wasn’t sleeping well, and this was affecting her work and her ability to function and enjoy her life and time when Tom wasn’t with her. She began to dread sending her son to the other parent for fear of how Tom would be on his return and worried that her son was being turned against her. Losing her relationship with Tom was the worst possible thing she could imagine and knew she would do anything to protect him and their relationship.
She heard about Positive Pants through her own work. She began following them online and bumping into Claire in the local area at events for children and families and knew that she trusted Claire and that Tom would respond positively to her approach and personality.
How Positive Pants Helped
Working with families who have separated can be difficult to navigate and my role is to be non-judgemental and focus on moving forwards. Once a child can recognise their feelings and understand they have done nothing wrong, we can then work on managing the emotions and letting go of guilt. As Tom was very young, we combined the sessions so that I worked with Tom and Emma together for the majority of the sessions so that they could both learn and feel more confident in showing and understanding what was going on for each other- with no guilt on either side. Each session was tailored to take account of his age, and I adapted the tools and techniques to make them simple, visual, fun and age appropriate.
For example, the emotions scale and relating different characteristics and feelings to different animals using his own favourite toys. Emma was encouraged to repeat the activities at different times to reinforce the message and was helped to keep things simple rather than over explaining things to him to make sure the message was consistent and effective. As a result, Emma was able to focus on some specific actions for her and Tom and was given support and a space to talk freely at each session which helped her to feel more confident as a person and as a Mum, and most of all know that Tom really did love and appreciate her as much as she did him.
A safe space for Tom and Mum
These sessions were adapted to suit the family and age of the child. We started with an update of the previous week, followed by a short activity with Tom and then brought Mum back in whilst Tom went off to play. For Tom, having a short time of activities worked perfectly for his attention span. He found them fun and began to learn that he could talk about his feelings without any guilt. It was also important that he started to have an awareness and learn the correct names of his emotions and start to apply them to himself. Talking to someone who was impartial with no judgement made him feel safe and relax and meant he could make changes when he returned from his Dad’s house and know that his Mum was on his side at all times.
Sessions built around him
Each session is tailored completely to the child and their family situation – their age, interests, as well as taking into account other needs such as their attention span. The tools and techniques I use are based on research and theory, and I make them relevant to each child’s life and situation through connection, play and creativity, because that’s what children respond to. With Tom we drew, used stickers, his own toys and even created a den, so that the techniques stayed with him beyond our time together and he could use them independently.
Equipping Emma as well as Tom
I spent a lot of time with Emma as part of the sessions- giving her the space to talk through any updates and observations or problems she was experiencing. I then explained the activities to her and the conversations that had been had. This included guiding her the language to use, so that everything could be reinforced at home after the session and be repeated in a simple way. Emma went from feeling that she was failing as a Mum and losing her relationship with Tom, to feeling like she still had control over her home environment and how Tom responded when he arrived back at her home. Emma was brilliant at using the techniques once our sessions ended and really took responsibility for helping Tom to thrive and feel more confident with identifying his emotions.
Within just a few weeks Tom dealt with the transition from house to house a lot more smoothly. He was starting to notice his feelings rather than shutting them down or exploding, and was open to addressing his reactions and making changes with the help of Emma.
The Difference It Made
In a short space of time, Tom started to recognise his emotions and was able to manage them better when he came back to his home with his Mum. He had started to understand that he was not angry at his Mum and instead of getting angry or shutting down, he let her in and allowed her to help him regulate his feelings using the techniques that they had learnt together. The tools we used are still being used and the household is much happier.
For Emma, the shift was very powerful. She began to sleep again, and most importantly stopped blaming herself and feeling so much guilt. She realised that she had always been a great mum – Tom was her world and by reaching out and getting support for them both, she could be the Mum she knew she was but that had been hidden by the incredibly difficult situation.
Emma has stated that whenever Tom shows sign of needing help in the future, she wouldn’t hesitate in coming back to me to work with him and that means a lot.
Emma’s Own Words
“I’ve known Claire for a little while now and towards the end of last year, I started experiencing some behaviour with my little one, which I wasn’t ready or equipped for. He was returning from seeing his other parent dysregulated and upset, due to their behaviour and things that were being said. The obvious thing is to talk to the other parent but they never understood or took time to understand. So I needed another way. My little one was coming home, upset, angry, or very quiet and withdrawn. It would take a few days for him to come back round to his normal self. We needed to find a way to express our emotions and feelings. Claire gave us some incredible but simple tools to use, using animals and a number scale to express our feelings, both of us drew a ‘happy board’. What was great was seeing how my little one picked this up and started to recognise the emotions immediately. Whilst it doesn’t always stop the outbursts we are now able to talk about how we are feeling. That you don’t always need to be a 10, that it’s ok to feel sad and how to move that dial to feel a little happier and content. Claire used fun activities to engage him and calm, meaningful time with me afterwards to explain the techniques and ensure I could continue the activities. These activities are now part of our daily routine. Thank you, Claire.”
Emma – mum of a Year 1 school child, Fernwood, Newark.
A Note to Any Mum or Dad Reading This
If you are going through a separation and watching your child struggle, I understand how helpless that can feel – especially when so much is outside your control. I’d love to have a chat. Every child is completely different, and I always start by just listening – making sure you feel properly heard before we talk about anything else. There’s no commitment and no pressure at all. Just a conversation, over a cuppa.
*The name of the child has been changed to protect his identity.
About Claire
Claire Clements is the founder of Positive Pants and Positive Pants Family CIC, and a children’s positive mindset mentor with over 23 years’ experience working in the education sector. Since moving to Nottinghamshire in 2016, she has focused on supporting the mental health of children and families in primary schools and communities across the county, reaching over 15,000 people.
A former PricewaterhouseCoopers professional and independent school Registrar and Housemistress, Claire developed the Positive Pants programme to give children the emotional tools they need to thrive. She is the author of the Positive Pants book, creator of the Positive Pants mindset card resources, and a regular speaker on children’s wellbeing. She appears regularly on BBC radio and local television and contributes to podcasts on mental health and family resilience. Claire is a member of the Professional Speakers Association and sits on the founding committee of the East Midlands Social Enterprise Network (EMSEN). Positive Pants is a proud member of the Safe Space Alliance.
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